Adventurously Expectant

As soon as we received word that we were on the official waiting list.
I felt like a mother.
That is, I felt fear grip my chest.
I've heard from other mother, those expecting, and those raising their children that fear is often the hallmark emotion of motherhood.

And as I felt it weigh heavily, I sort of felt a part of the club. A club of nonsensical, worriers riding waves of emotions.

Of course...my worries are a bit different than other mothers. Instead of worrying about soft cheeses and mercury levels in tuna, I'm worrying about the levels of stress hormones and second-hand smoke and other things my baby might be exposed to. I'm worrying about any trauma, or emotional support, or access to resources, or relationship of our baby's birth mother.

I'm concerned about how I don't really qualify for any leave time from work until next October. And I'm afraid of what might happen if I don't get to have an extended period of time to bond and form attachments with my baby.

And of course, there is the financial part of adoption. Yikes.

But motherhood isn't about comparing. It's just another gracious situation to place my life, the life of our child, and the life of his/her birth mother into the will and hands of Christ. Another change to trust His provision and protection.

And in the meantime. I work. Work to advocate for those living with mental illness. Work to save all we can for the coming expenses of hospitals, and lawyers, and newborns. Work to build our supports. Work to learn from classes and books. And do the work of trusting and preparing our hearts and marriage and faith for whatever is to come. Because we are expecting. And we expect Jesus to show up in the middle of our fear.

This resurrection life you received from God
is not a timid, grave-tending life.
It's adventurously expectant,
greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"
Romans 8- The Message

what I do

So, it's been over a month since my last post....I'm pretty sure that's the longest I've gone without saying something in this space since I created it 4 years ago.

And there's been a good reason for this.

I've been working. Full time.

And this past month has been the first time I have worked full time since I started blogging.
Let's just say it has been a shock to my system. And our lives.
Don't get me wrong. I have seen God's hand of provision so clearly in this move to employment.
-Like how a lot of the jobs I applied for and were asked to interview for have new been eliminated (one month after I would have been working there) due to our county's budget crisis.
-And how I can sleep in til 8:30am because of the split shift.
-And how our combined salaries meet our needs and allow us to put a little aside for baby!

But at the same time...I do have a chronic health condition. And even though I get to sit when I'm at my computer or talking to my clients...I come home with bulging disks, aching feet, and tingly legs.
So I lay down. A lot.

I find it amusing that when I wasn't working...people could not imagine how I filled my time. When in reality my life was full. I kept up with housework, meal planning and preparations so that when my husband WAS home, he could relax. I volunteered with our church's youth group and at a local elementary every week. I was involved in three women's groups at our church. I took a class for three hours every Sunday night at our church. And I still have time to make and sell cakes, cookies, and crocheted items. I made handmade cards and handmade gifts.

Now.
I work.
And lay down.

And no one asks me what I do anymore.

Our Hearts

I finished up two important milestones on our adoption journey a few weeks ago.
I wanted to record my thoughts here before they get swept away by all the changes happening in our lives right now.

I accepted a job and will be starting here in the next day or so, once my background checks are cleared. So I'm trying to get as much done as possible...clean the house, grocery shop, laundry, finish up crochet orders. But I needed to stop and remember how I felt as I did two important things: wrote our letters to potential birth parents and filled out our adoption preferences.

First of all was the "adoption preferences." Which for some, may not sound like a big deal, but for me it was something I had been dreading since we started the adoption process. It's basically a list of potential circumstances where we either had to click "yes" "no" or "will consider." And mostly it's awful situations like a lack of prenatal care, exposure to drugs or alcohol in utero, mental illness, developmental disorders, etc.

Basically, decisions that I thought I had been making my whole life.
Decisions that I had made WITH my own life.
Like, looking at the family history of my future spouse and assuming that those genetic traits and vulnerabilities would be those of my babies.

I thought I had been setting up our family for the best outcome by taking care of myself and making conscience decisions. By eating healthy, avoiding poisons, steering clear of STD's (because did you know that my baby could be exposed to some STD's ?)

I can't assume that anymore.

And I know that our child's birth mother is making the best decisions she can, where she is at. I have to assume that. And ultimately she is good because our child will come from her. And our baby will be SO good. But it's just heartbreaking that those are decisions that I can't make for my own baby. Because up until the baby is in our arms with the paper signed....he/she is HER baby.

So we sat in from of our computer, praying as we clicked those little boxes. Knowing that the future won't be perfect, but it will be guarded and directed by our Heavenly Father. And that was our prayer as we filled in those questions and it will be our prayer as we accept and raise our child. Not prayers for perfection, but prayers for strength and grace for us as parents.

From the outside looking in, parenting seems to be an exercise in letting go.
And that is a lesson that we are learning, as parents, before there is even a whisper of a baby.
Letting go of expectations, of fear, of our clenched fists,
to be open to embrace the blessings, and the
teeny
tiny
little blessing He has for us.

So then the next morning I wrote out six cards to expectant parents.
I mean really, what do you say to people who are considering giving birth to a baby and then handing him/her over to you to be their parents for life?

I mean, for real....what do you say?!

Well, we had to say it. And say it six times.
We kept it short and sweet. Heartfelt and personal.
So personal that even our social worker didn't want to read a draft.

So, it will remain something sacred that is shared only between us, and the potential First Parents of our child. But I can share the last line...something I've been rolling around my head and over my tongue for the past...oh...11 months of so.
And I share it because it's true.
As we looked at our openness to certain genetic traits, lifestyle choices, and ultimately openness in our relationship, there is a shared bond, a sacred trust that will only be shared between us and them.

"Because our hearts will forever be woven together with the deep love for one child."

What I Should Have Said a While Ago

When we were in the midst of very dark days, a small phrase came to mind.
When we at once were without income, church, hope for our long awaited child...
the phrase "Just watch how I will take care of you."
rose from the murkiest spot.

I kept it to myself.
And maybe I should have been more bold in the hard times.

But it's really not about my personal brazenness or ability...it's about trusting a very loving God. One who loves deeply in hard circumstances.
One who promises to never leave us.
One who draws near to the brokenhearted.

I guess I was trying to be okay with pain and learn to love God even if His provision didn't look the way I *wanted* it to.

So I'll say it now...a few months later.

As we have seen a few steps further into His provision for us:

-This week I got a job that (coupled with Nathan's job) will allow us to keep our house.
-A month ago we found a local church who welcomed us.
-Last week we were told that we are on the waiting list for our adoption because, they "have every faith that you will find another job and you are such a strong resource for birth parents that we want you to be available as soon as possible."

If you want to see a God who tenderly cares for His own:

Just watch how He takes care of us.

God is higher than anything and anyone,
outshining everything you can see in the skies.
Who can compare with God, our God,
so majestically enthroned,
Surveying his magnificent heavens and earth?
He picks up the poor from out of the dirt,
rescues the wretched who've been thrown out with the trash,
Seats them among the honored guests,
a place of honor among the brightest and best.
He gives childless couples a family,
gives them joy as the parents of children.
Hallelujah!
Ps. 113:4-9

We Can't Wait

We got an email today that changed our lives.
And like most beautiful life-changing announcements...
this one was a surprise.

We are officially on the waiting list.

We are expecting.

We have been accepted and they will start showing our profile to prospective birth parents.

So I've been giddy all day.
And tomorrow I'll be updating our baby wish list to a baby registry.
And cleaning out the nursery.
And researching the baby classes offered through our local hospital.

While it still might be a year or so til we are considered by an expectant birth mother...I can't help but preparing...

Because we CAN'T WAIT!!

Pumpkin and Spice and Everything Nice

I know I can be sort of a *ahem* dessert snob.
That is why there has been a box of spice cake mix in our pantry for over a year.
I think it was given to us by some sweet person...and I was just too snobby to use it.

Until I was perusing Pinterest the other day when I saw a claim that you could make cupcakes from two ingredients: a can of pumpkin and a boxed cake mix. I thought to myself, "I have a cake mix. I have pumpkin...I need cupcakes." And I have to tell you, after making these goodies last night, this dessert snob thinks you need cupcakes at your house too.

Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes

-Boxed mix for Spice Cake
-15 oz. can pureed pumpkin
(for reals, that's it!)

Preheat oven to 350*. Grease 12 cup muffin tin. Add pumpkin to cake mix and blend well. Use 1/4 measuring cup to scoop into tins. Bake at 350* for 20-25 minutes. Cool completely on wire racks.

And while they are cooling you can make the frosting.
(I've never had the cupcakes without the frosting and it is so good...why mess with perfection?)

Marshmallow Spice frosting
-1/4 cup (half a stick) butter, softened
-8 oz. cream cheese, softened
-3.5 oz. Marshmallow fluff
-1 tsp. vanilla extract
-1 tsp. cinnamon
-1/2 tsp. nutmeg
-3 c. powdered sugar

Beat butter and cream cheese until smooth. Add marshmallow fluff and mix well. Add vanilla, cinnamon and nutmeg. Add powdered sugar slowly, mixing well. Beat well. Put into pastry bag and frost cooled cupcakes. Welcome fall!

Our Life on our Coffee Table

The other day i was looking at the collections of books and magazines on our little coffee table. They tell a story, and offer a glimpse into our hearts and lives during this difficult season. So I thought I would capture it in pictures and share in words.

Because our life will change. We will have answers to all our questions, eventually. And all the unknowns will become surer in time. But for now our lives and our coffee table looks like this:

The bottom layer is magazines:
Stepping Stones, the newsletter from Bethany Christian Services' infertility ministry

LifeLines, the magazine put out to Bethany Christian Services adoptive clients

then comes the books for the pain we encountered the past few months:

Direct Hit by Paul Borden
What Works When Life Doesn't by Stuart Briscoe
Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman

And then, hope for the future of our family:

Adopted for Life by Russell Moore
What to Expect the First Year