(Tedy's story we are trying to keep a little more private until he is old enough to tell it himself. I'd hate it if people knew intimate detail about me that I didn't even know myself! But our journey to adoption I'm finding the more I share, the more God uses our story to speak into the lives of others.)
Well, speaking up about adoption means that over the years I've become a resource for others who are dipping their toe in the adoption waters. I've gotten several private message from friends who are just beginning to look into adoption and after answering some of the same questions, I decided to write publicly, and more in depth about our journey to adoption. -Ta Da! that's this post!
So, first of all, if you are looking into adoption you need to make peace with your journey thus far. This precious baby that you are considering adding to your family should not have a job. Coming to adoption through infertility? grieve it. Adopting because you had a difficult pregnancy? seek healing and peace. Difficult marriage? Get a counselor, change your communication. Embracing singleness, or a heart for orphans? do the work, prepare your family, so that your little one doesn't have to. (I probably should write another post on this!) I just wish that someone would have told me this so that I wouldn't have had to sit through adoption informational meetings with tears stinging my eyes because I was still coming to grips with the loss of our imagined biological child.
So then once your emotional work of under way, there are some big decisions you need to make: what kind of adoption do we want? Domestic, International, Private, or State. Each kind comes with their own set of benefits and risks and since adoption regulations vary state to state...I don't even feel like I can make a detailed examination of each type of adoption. For more detailed info check out this link.
So here is my basic run down:
Domestic adoption: an agency educates and trains families as resources for birth parents. They also offer support in varying degrees to birth parents. In these types of situations, biological parents voluntarily terminate their rights and most often get to choose the families for their child (that's you!) Since very, very few people ever give birth, parent their child, then later decide to place the child for adoption, you will be dealing with an infant from the United States. Private adoption agencies usually charge in the 5-digit range. That's right FIVE. Take a deep breath. In our experience, private agencies charged anywhere from $10,000 to $25, 000. And then there are lawyer and legal fees on top of that. (Since this is the route we chose...I'll go more in depth into how to choose an adoption agency in a later post!)
Private (or independent): Skipping the agency, some prospective adoptive parents market themselves, spreading the word through social media and personal relationships that they are interested in adopting. A lawyer handles the legal aspects and like other domestic adoptions, since you are dealing with birth parents who are voluntarily terminating their parental rights you will most likely be dealing with an infant. You will need to work with an agency of some sort to get a home study (which can cost a few hundred up to $2,500) and it will have to stay current until your adoption is finalized. However, with a private adoption, there are little to no services for birth parents or education for your family.
State (foster) : Working through your state's foster care system, with this type of adoption you will be dealing with parents whose rights were involuntarily terminated. While there are some infants in the systems, terminating someone's parental rights in the biggest kind of deal ever and is a messy, lengthy process. So be prepared for a long journey with probably a toddler or older child. On the plus side there are months of preparations and classes with support for your family and the costs are significantly less.
International: This is the only kind of adoption that (like the name implies) is from outside the United States. Working with orphanages and foster systems overseas, international adoptions are a whole different process. You will have an older child as even if a referral is made while your child is a baby, there will most likely be months of waiting as they make sure that all parental rights were respected and the baby is truly available for adoption without coersion. International adoptions are often the most expensive as they involve several trips overseas. Some countries have restrictions based on age, marital status, health etc. As international adoptions are often closed, a relationship with birth parents aren't normally a consideration and some aspect of your child's life may be unknown (including birth dates in some cases.) With traveling overseas, adoptive parents often get to form close connections with their travel partners, who are also in the same boat.
So there, that is my simplified version of the four different types of arriving at adoption. And since we went the domestic route, no guarantees on nailing every aspect of the other kinds! Sorry!
Anyway, for us, for our journey, or family,
we wanted an infant,
we wanted a relationship with our child's birth parents,
and we wanted services for them.
And so we chose domestic infant adoption. for us.
So I guess adoptions starts with the end in mind.
What kind of culture do you want in your family?
What are your reasons for adopting?
When you dream of your child what do you dream?
And then starting backward you can determine your paradigm and priorities and (prayerfully) follow your path to Family!
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