Will

I bought more children's books today.

It was my own personal act of defiant faith in the midst of more obstacles.

Our social worker told me that the debacle at the church (getting fired) could not have happened at a worse time. She gave me the rundown of all the steps we had completed over the past nine months (as if I had forgotten) and then said that literally all she had to do was print out the paperwork. And we would have been ready to go on the waiting list.

So we'll go ahead and get all the paperwork officially completed. And then wait.

Some more.

Wait to find a new job...new life...then pick up where we left off.

And eventually we will have a child. And I say that through clenched teeth. A statement of determination. We WILL have a child....darn it. Because it seems like biology and life circumstance are conspiring up on us. And it might be easier to give in. I have fleeting thoughts of...maybe we'll just keep all the money for ourselves, keep an impeccable house, love on other people's children, and be one of those sweet old couples that people whisper about behind their backs because "they just never had any children of their own."

But then I think about the small half-filled book case in the second bedroom.
I think about Christmas mornings with footie pajamas, pizza parties and sleeping bags in the living room, sprinklers in the front yard with grass-stained little toes. And I know...

Through all the tears, empty bank accounts, mountains of paperwork, and waiting. We feel a deep calling to parent. To lead by daily example. To love unconditionally and die to ourselves. And what is now said as a mantra to get through the hard stuff will one day be a hopeful call of expectation.

"We will have a child."