Rain

Some days are hard.
Today is one of those.

My house seems too quiet.
And the little books on the bookshelf are lined up a bit too neatly.
The kitchen floor is clean and shiny.
And our changing table is sitting in the garage.
Instead of in the second bedroom with baskets of baby socks tucked underneath.

Last week was when we were supposed to work on the nursery.
And we would have been officially on the waiting list.

Instead, we are here. Jobless. Looking for a new church. Wondering how we will pay to fix our house, pay our bills, and finance our adoption. I'm feeling kind of ambushed and betrayed, and in darker moments....a little bitter.

Not all the time. In the weeks since Nathan was fired, friends and members of the church have been very sweet. Reaching out with gifts and words of encouragement and friendship. Family has visited and been a welcome distraction.

And while we grieve the loss of our dream...
again.

It's hard not to compare.
Two beautiful, Godly friends have welcomed little ones into their growing families
and some have announced their pregnancy in the last two weeks.
We celebrate with them...but it's still hard to be reminded of what we don't have.

On Facebook and T.V. it seems everywhere I look I see people who aren't following Christ, making harmful decisions with their precious children.
And I find myself comparing again.

REALLY God?! These people are making horrible choices, creating chaos and stress...Don't you know I would make a GREAT mother? I would use cloth diapers and I wouldn't even use a crib bumper!!

But things don't always work out the way I want them. I sometimes think that because I do good things, because I try to follow Christ, that I "deserve" to have a family, I "should" have an easy life.

When Matthew 5 tells me that,

"He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good,
and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."

I love Matthew 5. The beatitudes, all those blessings, and the sermon on the mount. But then down there at the end of the chapter it gets a little sticky. "Love your enemies" and all that stuff. I have always looked at this passage one way. That God sends both good and bad things on both good and bad people.

Thinking about it this weekend, I saw it differently. I realized that I have always seen rain as a bad thing. Rain cancels concerts and floods my basement and leaks through my kitchen ceiling (which happened this weekend btw.) Rain destroys the nice things I had planned and gets in my way.
It also makes very annoying spots on my glasses.

But Jesus delivered this sermon on a mountain in Israel, which from what I can gather has a different climate than here in the Midwest. Rain to them was probably a good thing. A necessary and unpredictable blessing that filled their wells and watered their crops and flushed out the ditches.

So maybe seeing the clouds gather over the land of the wicked was as hard for those early Christians as watching "Teen Mom" is for me.

And maybe when I see God's blessings in the lives of Non-Believers, it can be a sweet reminder that my God is gracious. He gives with a wide cast of His hand and with unmerited favor. That babies and love and providence are not only for those who are currently calling on His name.

So I'm resting in that same Grace. Holding out for our rain, and a little bit of His sunshine to come our way. And when I see blessings in the lives of others, trying to remember that it's simply evidence of a giving God who loves to bless His children.

It doesn't make the pain of our current frustrations go away, won't fill our bank account or our empty nursery. But it gives me a surer, clearer understanding of the One in whom my future rests.