I don't really like my hair right now.
It's short and choppy and has a wayward mind of it own, obstinately turning where I don't want it to. But it was sort of my decision to make it this way. My decision to be obedient, I guess.
It started several years ago. I would notice my hairline growing thin and fuzzy at the temples. I attributed it to stress or the change of seasons. Well, many seasons have passed and the baby hairs have continued unabated in their slow retreat.
Most people probably don't even notice. My husband says I'm worried about nothing. But most evenings before bed, you can find my fingering my hairline, like you tongue a mouth sore. Checking, making sure it's not getting worse, worrying.
I have read enough to know that it is more than just passing seasons or momentary stress. I have a hormonal imbalance called PCOS. And my hair will be thin for a while. Now I know that it's not really that bad and most people won't notice at all. But to me, it's something I've been trying to cover up. With bangs, with long hair, with cute hats.
This past spring as I wondering how to cut my bangs, anguishing the fact that femininity was not coming easily to me, whining a little. I was praying. Trying to open up my mind and heart to the whisper of the Almighty. And in the middle of my whining...I mean praying. I heard God speak.
He told me to cut my hair.
I told him that was a pretty weird command.
I mean weren't there more important things to do, you know, like feed the poor or comfort the anxious? Why was he concerned about my hair.
The calm solid answer came again. Cut my hair.
I felt I needed to explain something to God. So I told him that I wasn't feeling very feminine at the moment and really liked my long, think hair. I told him that I wasn't sure I'd be attractive with short hair and maybe I had misheard Him.
And that's when He asked me if my identity was wrapped up in my appearance, or in my obedience to Him. He reassured me that there are blessings I might be missing if I willfully ignored His direction. He asked how I would feel if I was someone with no hair and knew someone holding on to their abundance of hair out of vanity.
That week in the mail I got a coupon for a free hair cut.
The next week I looked up the guidelines for donating to Locks of Love.
And last week I cut off 12 inches of hair.
Not because it's summer.
Not because I was ready for something new.
Not because my husband likes my hair short.
But because I know what it's like to see scalp where hair should be.
And mostly because God told me to.
1 Samuel 15:22
But Samuel replied, “What is more pleasing to the Lord: your burnt offerings and sacrifices or your obedience to his voice? Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission is better than offering the fat of rams.
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