By John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter
True or False? Infertility affects only those who are unable to conceive and give birth.
False! Infertility affects everyone—whether they realize it or not.
False! Infertility affects everyone—whether they realize it or not.
Infertility
Infertility is the inability to achieve a pregnancy after a year
or more of regular sexual relations without contraception or
the inability to carry a pregnancy to a live birth (miscarriage).
According to the Centers for Disease Control, 7.4 million
people, or 7% of married couples, suffer from infertility.
Either they cannot conceive or give birth at all (primary
infertility), or they have been able to give birth to a child
but are unable to have any additional desired children
(secondary infertility).
This article, however, is not written primarily for those who
are experiencing infertility firsthand, but for those who have
never struggled with this challenge. Even if you have not
personally experienced the heartache of impaired fertility,
it probably has impacted your relationships with those who
are facing this difficulty.
In light of the statistics above, it is quite likely that others
in your acquaintance are enduring this trial. They may very
well be people you care about very much–a friend, a son or
daughter, or a co-worker.
You may not even be aware how much they are hurting.
Infertility is often called a secret sorrow. Whether it is
secret or not, infertility can be devastating to a couple who
experiences an unfulfilled longing to become parents. Their
sense of loss and pain can affect their relationship with you–
whether you are conscious of it or not.
Consider the following incidents:
Samantha has been experiencing the pain of infertility for four
years–including two miscarriages. On a Sunday morning after
a worship service, she is holding her baby niece. The pastor
walks by, smiles, and jokingly suggests to Samantha’s husband,
“It looks like she’s practicing to have kids–it’s about time!”
Little did the pastor realize that an arrow had just pierced
Samantha’s heart.
Teesha had been attending the “Women Walking with Jesus”
Bible study group every Thursday evening. Now she has decided
to stop attending. A friend wonders why. Teesha regretfully
replies, “No matter what our Bible lesson is about, we always
end up talking about children. I feel out of it.”
The July 4 holiday is coming and Carol dreads going to
Grandma’s cottage for the family celebration. She says,
“My sister, Jo Ellen, will be there with her new bundle
of joy. I want to rejoice with my sister, but it will be so hard!”
Tim and Sheri have just experienced another failed IVF
attempt. They are devastated. Sheri confides in a friend.
The friend shoots back, “Well, at least you have a husband.
My cousin just lost her husband in a boating accident. Be
thankful you haven’t had to face something like that.”
Reaching Out
Many couples who go through infertility find it to be a
devastating experience that can rip at their sexuality, self-
image, and self-esteem. Couples who experience infertility
can be both helped and hurt by those around them–friends,
family members, and fellow Christians.
To help you be supportive of the childless couples
whose lives intertwine with yours, we offer the following
suggestions:
- Be cautious when making assumptions.
and successful without children, don’t assume that they are
childless by choice. “Sure, I am happy in my career,“ is the
way one woman expresses it. “It’s one area in my life where
I can be successful.”
- Be careful to avoid flippant comments.
Don’t say things like, “Relax,” or “You need a vacation,” or
“Just adopt and you’ll get pregnant.” You may be tempted
to make such comments in an attempt to offer some cheer.
The result is just the opposite. Most people facing infertility
resent such well-intended but misguided advice.
- Be willing to accept that couples suffering from
- infertility are experiencing a major life challenge.
bad in comparison to others who are hurting. To be sure,
there are many hurting people in this world–including
those who are battling illness or facing loss. This does not
make the pain of infertility any less real or intense.
- Be aware that a person facing infertility
- is on an emotional rollercoaster.
There may be times when someone facing infertility wants
to talk about infertility, but at other times, he or she may
prefer not to talk about it. At times, such couples may need
to connect with family and friends, and at other times,
they may need to disconnect. This ambivalence is difficult
for would-be supporters, but such ambivalence is normal.
Please be patient. Invite them to talk, but allow them to be
quiet. Allow them to disconnect for a while and to choose
when they need to reconnect.
- Be willing to offer extra support, when needed.
A recent miscarriage, a disappointing test result, or the
announcement of a friend’s pregnancy can be painful
events for couples traveling through infertility. A note
of encouragement, fresh flowers, or a phone call can be
wonderful gestures of support!
- Be prayer supporters.
nothing is more encouraging than to know that a friend
or family member is praying for them. The Bible says,
“…pray for each other so that you may be healed. The
prayer of a righteous man [and woman] is powerful and
effective” James 5:16.
prayer of a righteous man [and woman] is powerful and
effective” James 5:16.
Comments