narrowed

My world was large once. College was filled from dawn to way past dusk with important meetings, intimidating job responsibilities, piles of books to read, and literally hundred of friends to share life with. My daily goals were large and each day in my calendar was absolutely stuffed.

I meant to change lives daily. So I went into Social Work where I truly did touch some lives. I rode with police officers, broke up physical fights, helped children escape abuse, and held the hands of the dying. For a while, I was a force and was lifting up more than I was leaning on.

So it's easy to see why I'm troubled by how small my life can seem sometimes. Around a year ago, my life changed dramatically. I now work just a few days a week and when I work, I do more subtle helping...no more stepping in between domestic disputes or restraining the psychotic.

My work isn't the only thing that has closed in over the past year. Friends have moved away and life is shared with perhaps a dozen loved ones instead of hundreds. My circle of influence has narrowed, just as my daily focus has.

My number one priority is no longer changing the world, or at least, not in the sense that I used to think. Due to illness, I spend most days in our small home. So that's where I focus my time and attention. Making it a happy one. Keeping it neat and ready for guests, organized and peaceful for our little family of two. I've also honed in on my relationship with my husband. For most of our five year marriage, we were back to back, working in our own directions. Mine: social work, his: ministry. And with a blow to my back that rippled out to all aspects of our lives, we were forced to turn inward and focus on one another. And our marriage has blossomed under all that care and attention.

Sometimes my focus in very small indeed, usually localized to a few vertebrae. I'm drawn to pay attention to my body, noticing small twinges, changing positions, leaving tasks undone. And the main focus some days is pain, where healing comes in scaling back, sitting down, saying no so I can say yes to my life.

So if my world has shrunk in, that's a good thing. Leaving out what's not important and filling my world with what is. I'm blessed to find that it has distilled the sweetness to a simple, purposeful, life.