Dreams

I've been having weird dreams recently.
Two nights ago I dreamed in vivid detail the vanilla cupcakes I wanted to make. They involved scraping real vanilla beans and laser cut lace wrappers.

Then last night I dreamed that Nathan and I got married again. I was telling Nathan about it and his response was, "Well that's not really all that weird, you dreaming about marrying me."
Well, the dream involved me walking down the aisle in a restored church dripping with cabbage roses and pink sashes. However, no one was paying any attention to the wedding going on in front of them. There we were, the most beautiful moment of my life and everyone was loudly talking to their neighbors. So, the camp counselor in me came out. I hauled my big white dress on stage, cupped my hands to my mouth and did my best attention-grabbing-nonsense noise. "Da-da Da-da-da"

To which the entire crowd answered, "DA-DA."
and then went back to their conversations.

I started crying.
Then cupped my hands again, "If you can hear the sound of my voice, clap once...If you can hear what I'm saying clap twice."

They kept talking. Paying the bride no mind.

Tearfully, I grabbed the microphone and said quivering, "Hey everybody...I know our wedding day isn't COMPLETELY about us...but can't right now...while we're here...can't it be just a little bit about me."

And then I woke up.

Mad.

You know, when you KNOW that it was a dream and you shouldn't really be upset because it wasn't REAL. But man, sometimes, I feel like that lately.

Like, hey everybody, I don't think I'm asking for a whole lot, just for things to be a LITTLE bit about me right now.

So maybe that's really why I'm all out of joint today....not the dream, just what I woke up to.

But things aren't all bad here, in the reality I woke up to. Sure circumstances have seemed to conspire against me...but there is still goodness in the midst of pain. There is still peace in the midst of loss.

And even though things don't seem to be "fair" when compared to what other people are facing...maybe I just need to change my definition of fair. God is not unfair, and if it seems that way, then I'm probably looking at a different set of priorities.

So while I've been having vivid dreams, and my "dreams" here in this waking reality have been getting an overhaul...there is still goodness.

Just don't make me come up there and grab the microphone.