This is not the post that I want to be typing right now.
I wish I had other things to say and other events to report. But I can't.
It's been a year. A whole year since I hurt my back trying to protect a poop-covered child from hurting himself. And I thought things would be different now.
I want to type that I'm healed, my legs don't go numb and I have all the energy in the world.
I want to tell you that my husband has a job that he loves and finds purpose in and that we make enough money to live comfortably.
I wish I could tell you that we're moving into our first house where we can host friends and family and I could decorate the way I see things in my mind.
I also would like to tell you that we're expecting, but I guess I can't tell you that either.
And I'm trying to live with my reality right now, to find joy when almost every answer back from God is a resounding "No." or at least not for quite a while, it seems.
So it's been a year. And I'm clinging to what Hebrews tells me.
"God is not unfair."
And when I look at my friend's lives. At their beautiful homes, fulfilling jobs, expanding families, physical freedom from pain....well it looks...unfair.
On the outside.
And then when I look at other things....deeper things.
I can truthfully say that my relationship with God is much closer than where we were a year ago.
I love my husband even more. And I think we're starting to understand each other even more every day.
I'm more humble, more gracious, and more assertive than I think I was a year ago.
So my prayer for this next year is that my focus to be closed in on the right things. To see things through His eyes, where I can see His work and to see that He is not unfair.
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