Oh glorious month...
at your end, prayers will be answered
and we will not longer be living next door to Stranger Danger.
And so, I submit this letter, perhaps as a guideline for some questions I'll be wanting the answer to before we get a new apartment neighbor. So without any further adieu...
Dear potential neighbor:
1) Do you smoke crack?
2) Are you gainfully employed, outside of your own apartment?
3) Do your friends smoke crack?
4) Do you plan on removing the peep-hole lens from your door or mine?
5) Do you plan on letting your friends smoke crack in your home?
6) Do you own a crowbar?
7) Will you let your dog pee on my patio plants?
8) Do you plan on throwing take-out containers over onto my patio?
9) Do you smoke crack?
10) Got any plans on breaking into your own apartment via window or breaking down the door?
11) Will you leave piles of your junk mail in our shared hallway?
12) How many times, in your estimation, can I plan on finding the Police pounding on your door?
13) Do you answer the door in your underwear?
14) Do you currently have any restraining orders against you, or have any against any else?
15)Will I find you standing conspicuously on the corner awaiting a "friend?"
16) Will you talk to me through my window while I am in my own home?
17) Do you smoke crack?
18) Do you know the answer to the question "Where can someone unload a hot laptop?"
19) Do you pepper your conversation with the trade names: Xanax, Percocet, Vicodin, Oxycontin?
20) At any time, will you offer to take my garbage to the compressor to steal my identity?
If the answer to any and all of these questions is "yes" then you will be an improvement over our former neighbor.
Sincerely,
Not afraid to call the police
Comments