I finished up two important milestones on our adoption journey a few weeks ago.I wanted to record my thoughts here before they get swept away by all the changes happening in our lives right now.
I accepted a job and will be starting here in the next day or so, once my background checks are cleared. So I'm trying to get as much done as possible...clean the house, grocery shop, laundry, finish up crochet orders. But I needed to stop and remember how I felt as I did two important things: wrote our letters to potential birth parents and filled out our adoption preferences.
First of all was the "adoption preferences." Which for some, may not sound like a big deal, but for me it was something I had been dreading since we started the adoption process. It's basically a list of potential circumstances where we either had to click "yes" "no" or "will consider." And mostly it's awful situations like a lack of prenatal care, exposure to drugs or alcohol in utero, mental illness, developmental disorders, etc.
Basically, decisions that I thought I had been making my whole life.
Decisions that I had made WITH my own life.
Like, looking at the family history of my future spouse and assuming that those genetic traits and vulnerabilities would be those of my babies.
I thought I had been setting up our family for the best outcome by taking care of myself and making conscience decisions. By eating healthy, avoiding poisons, steering clear of STD's (because did you know that my baby could be exposed to some STD's ?)
I can't assume that anymore.
And I know that our child's birth mother is making the best decisions she can, where she is at. I have to assume that. And ultimately she is good because our child will come from her. And our baby will be SO good. But it's just heartbreaking that those are decisions that I can't make for my own baby. Because up until the baby is in our arms with the paper signed....he/she is HER baby.
So we sat in from of our computer, praying as we clicked those little boxes. Knowing that the future won't be perfect, but it will be guarded and directed by our Heavenly Father. And that was our prayer as we filled in those questions and it will be our prayer as we accept and raise our child. Not prayers for perfection, but prayers for strength and grace for us as parents.
From the outside looking in, parenting seems to be an exercise in letting go.
And that is a lesson that we are learning, as parents, before there is even a whisper of a baby.
Letting go of expectations, of fear, of our clenched fists,
to be open to embrace the blessings, and the
teeny
tiny
little blessing He has for us.
So then the next morning I wrote out six cards to expectant parents.
I mean really, what do you say to people who are considering giving birth to a baby and then handing him/her over to you to be their parents for life?
I mean, for real....what do you say?!
Well, we had to say it. And say it six times.
We kept it short and sweet. Heartfelt and personal.
So personal that even our social worker didn't want to read a draft.
So, it will remain something sacred that is shared only between us, and the potential First Parents of our child. But I can share the last line...something I've been rolling around my head and over my tongue for the past...oh...11 months of so.
And I share it because it's true.
As we looked at our openness to certain genetic traits, lifestyle choices, and ultimately openness in our relationship, there is a shared bond, a sacred trust that will only be shared between us and them.
"Because our hearts will forever be woven together with the deep love for one child."
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