I loved my childhood Sunday School. At our church, children's Sunday School was called "wee worship" and was organized and run by a faithful crew of loving, gentle ladies. They strummed the guitar for us and passed out Kool-aid and Rice-Krispie treats. These women pressed quarters into our pudgy palms to give back at offering time. And each Sunday I dressed in lace petticoats and patton-leather Mary Janes, because even our dress should be the best for Jesus. Worship meant giving my best for Jesus.
But as I grew up, worship expanded its meaning. I'm leaning to give Jesus my worst. And it is the sweetest worship I've ever experienced.
I'm going through a hard time. Physical pain has become a daily presence in my life. And while I wish that I could give to Jesus from a life overflowing with happiness, abundance,and tranquility I simply can't. That's not my reality right now. So I'm learning to take full assessment of my situation, frustration, pain, fears and all...and offer that to God. I'm asking Him to step into my life, painful mess that it might be right now, and assume His rightful place as sovereign King. And I've been trying to take each day, every twinge of pain, every heart-stopping "what if?", and hand it over to Him. And I'm discovering that this is worship too.
I feel a lot like Hannah is first Samuel. In chapter 1 we read:
"In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."
As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine."
"Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."
Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him."
She said, "May your servant find favor in your eyes." Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast. " (1Samuel 1:10-18, emphasis mine)
Here a woman who was being cruelly taunted day and night because she was barren, was pouring out her soul to the Lord. She was praying even though her soul was bitter. She was praying through tears. And after she is discovered and accused of being drunk. She gets up, eats something and the Bible says "her face was no longer downcast."
Yet she had no true promise that what she wanted would come to be. I believe that she was at peace because she knew that the Lord had heard her. In fact that is what she eventually names the son God later gives her. God eventually does step in and grant her the desire of her heart. And the name of her sweet little Samuel means "heard of God." God heard her prayer, He came near, and ministered to her, bitter soul, tearful eyes, down cast face and all.
Yet I was struck by that phrase "pouring out my soul to the Lord." The Hebrew word for that phrase appears 25 times in the King James Version. It is used to speak of when God pours out His wrath on the unfaithful and when he pours out his Spirit on His children. It is also used when God gives commands. He commands his children to pour out the blood of sacrificial animals. He also commands his people to pour out unclean things, such as dust of a plagued house, or unclean broth. I find that the meaning of that phrase used by Hannah most closely lines up when it is used in two verses in Psalms.
Psalms 42:4: When I remember these [things], I pour out my soul in me: for I had gone with the multitude, I went with them to the house of God, with the voice of joy and praise, with a multitude that kept holy day.
Psalm 62:8: Trust in him at all times; [ye] people, pour out your heart before him: God [is] a refuge for us.
In all the other uses of this phrase where humans are concerned, it is part of a command from God. By "pouring out" they are simply following God's creed. They are staying within the confines of how God wants their life to be ordered Yet in these two verses in Psalms, "pouring out" is a willful act of intimate conversation with the Lord. Individuals prompted on their own to seek out a relationship with their creator, choosing to be vulnerable and united with God.
This is the kind of worship that Hannah experienced that day in the temple. Though it didn't look like the kind of worship the established church was ready to recognize. She was judged based upon appearances and not where her heart was.
I want to have this kind of worship. I'm trying to pour out my heart day and night. Though it might mean giving even the worst part of my life to God, I know He can see the tears, physical pain, worried heart, and doubting mind, and know that what I want is to heard.
It's worshipping with more than just my little-girl ideas of quarters and Kool-Aid, but giving Jesus my worst is, for me so far, the sweetest sort of worship yet.
But as I grew up, worship expanded its meaning. I'm leaning to give Jesus my worst. And it is the sweetest worship I've ever experienced.
I'm going through a hard time. Physical pain has become a daily presence in my life. And while I wish that I could give to Jesus from a life overflowing with happiness, abundance,and tranquility I simply can't. That's not my reality right now. So I'm learning to take full assessment of my situation, frustration, pain, fears and all...and offer that to God. I'm asking Him to step into my life, painful mess that it might be right now, and assume His rightful place as sovereign King. And I've been trying to take each day, every twinge of pain, every heart-stopping "what if?", and hand it over to Him. And I'm discovering that this is worship too.
I feel a lot like Hannah is first Samuel. In chapter 1 we read:
"In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."
As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine."
"Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."
Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him."
She said, "May your servant find favor in your eyes." Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast. " (1Samuel 1:10-18, emphasis mine)
Here a woman who was being cruelly taunted day and night because she was barren, was pouring out her soul to the Lord. She was praying even though her soul was bitter. She was praying through tears. And after she is discovered and accused of being drunk. She gets up, eats something and the Bible says "her face was no longer downcast."
Yet she had no true promise that what she wanted would come to be. I believe that she was at peace because she knew that the Lord had heard her. In fact that is what she eventually names the son God later gives her. God eventually does step in and grant her the desire of her heart. And the name of her sweet little Samuel means "heard of God." God heard her prayer, He came near, and ministered to her, bitter soul, tearful eyes, down cast face and all.
Yet I was struck by that phrase "pouring out my soul to the Lord." The Hebrew word for that phrase appears 25 times in the King James Version. It is used to speak of when God pours out His wrath on the unfaithful and when he pours out his Spirit on His children. It is also used when God gives commands. He commands his children to pour out the blood of sacrificial animals. He also commands his people to pour out unclean things, such as dust of a plagued house, or unclean broth. I find that the meaning of that phrase used by Hannah most closely lines up when it is used in two verses in Psalms.
Psalms 42:4: When I remember these [things], I pour out my soul in me: for I had gone with the multitude, I went with them to the house of God, with the voice of joy and praise, with a multitude that kept holy day.
Psalm 62:8: Trust in him at all times; [ye] people, pour out your heart before him: God [is] a refuge for us.
In all the other uses of this phrase where humans are concerned, it is part of a command from God. By "pouring out" they are simply following God's creed. They are staying within the confines of how God wants their life to be ordered Yet in these two verses in Psalms, "pouring out" is a willful act of intimate conversation with the Lord. Individuals prompted on their own to seek out a relationship with their creator, choosing to be vulnerable and united with God.
This is the kind of worship that Hannah experienced that day in the temple. Though it didn't look like the kind of worship the established church was ready to recognize. She was judged based upon appearances and not where her heart was.
I want to have this kind of worship. I'm trying to pour out my heart day and night. Though it might mean giving even the worst part of my life to God, I know He can see the tears, physical pain, worried heart, and doubting mind, and know that what I want is to heard.
It's worshipping with more than just my little-girl ideas of quarters and Kool-Aid, but giving Jesus my worst is, for me so far, the sweetest sort of worship yet.
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My best,
Brin
My Messy, Thrilling Life