So now you've done the work to prepare for adoption and have chosen the path that is best for your family.
For us, that meant going with a domestic infant adoption and while we felt such peach about that path, the choice of an agency seemed overwhelming. I knew that entering into parenthood would be the most significant roles we would ever play and the adoption agency we chose would be instrumental in setting the foundation for our relationship with our child, and his birth parents. What in this earthly life is more important that your precious child? The way he/she enters into your family is crucially important not only for your story, your history as a family but as the groundwork (and the very real neurological network development) for their whole life.
So, if you're looking for an agency...what do you look for? What questions do you ask?
In the murky waters of adoption, it's a no-brainer to make sure that the agency conducts itself not only within the legality of your state's laws but the ethics that line up with your own conscience. If there is the hint of pressure on birth parents...run. Look for little things like the agency's use of adoptive parents being "considered" instead of "chosen" by birth parents...things that indicate that they don't expect birth parents to be set too early in their decision. That they don't expect them to say goodbye before they say hello. That they give them time to shore up weighty decisions without the tiniest bit of persuasion toward adoption. Ask: What is your state's definition of "legal risk" and what does your agency do to protect you during that time? Do they have interim care lined up if a mother isn't ready to terminate her rights immediately?
Make sure that the agency takes tender care of your baby's first mother. And as we found out, make sure they care for birth fathers too. Change your paradigm so that you think of the birth parents as the clients (not you!) and instead, your role is that as a resource for parents facing a heart-rending choice in the midst of an unexpected pregnancy. This midset will set your heart up for empathy and pave the way for an open relationship later on. Ask: What services do they offer birth parents before birth? What will the hospital experience look like? Are there services after the baby is placed? How do they serve birth fathers? Are there any male Social Workers for birth fathers to talk to?
Be sure that your agency is constantly learning. There is a lot of new and exciting research out there about brain development and the affects of early trauma. Well, it's not exactly exciting, it's actually terrifying to hear horror stories as you wait for your baby. But the exciting part is that with increased research comes improved methods and measures to reduce stress to these precious children. If your agency is willing to change the way that things have always been done in light of clear research, it can be in the best interest of all birth parents and adoptive parents that come through their doors. What steps does the agency take to reduce stress to both pregnant mothers and developing babies? What changes have they made recently? What resources can they pass on to you?
Someone told me when we were choosing an agency that: when it comes to an adoption agency, there are three legs on the stool.
Price: basically adoption is expensive. Ours was more expensive than the down payment for our first home...which was significant in and of itself. My personal feeling is that my child is the most important thing in life and I didn't want to make the decision of how they came into our family based upon the cost. You might feel differently, which is more than fine! But for us, if it meant humbling ourselves and asking for support, selling our car, and taking out a loan, it was sacrifices worth making for our baby to come home.
Services: There is some danger with the explosion of the internet's role in adoption. Without proper education and great support for both birth parents and adoptive families, we run the risk of treating babies like commodities to be traded long distance. Make sure your agency will be there for you as you are learning about adoption, that they have follow up service for birth parents, that they treat your homestudy as more that just checking out your house (but the chance to get to know you, and the chance for you to get to know yourselves better). Our social workers gave up weekends, including mother's day. We have their personal cell numbers and got calls while they were on vacation. They were there in the hospital, and had a specific social worker for birthfathers, birthmothers, and for us. And when the poop hit the fan and they had heart-breaking news, our social worker was in our living room on our sofa in person within the hour. That's care.
Time: In adoption there will be waiting. There just will be. Most likely by the time you come to the decision to adopt, you will have already adjusted your ideal time line for your adding to your family. It's just a matter of how long you will wait. Some agencies actually have two waiting lists. Crazy right? I know! One agency had a 1 to 3 year waiting list just to GET on the waiting list. With open adoptions, potential birth parents choose families to consider to adopt their baby...so the wait time is really in their hands. But most adoption agencies can give you ballpark numbers. Our agency could tell us that they served 15 to 20 birth parents a year and that they usually have 30-40 families on the wait list....so we deduced that it could be around a 1 to 2 year wait. (It actually took almost a whole year to complete our training, paperwork, and home study stuff before we were able to be "on the list")
One thing about a stool is that if one leg is affected, two can still be strong. The same applies to the three tenants of adoption.
:: Price :: Services :: Wait Time::
-if they offer comprehensive services with a shorter wait time: expect higher cost.
-if they offer lower cost and decreased wait time: their services won't be as extensive.
-if they have good service with reasonable price...you guessed it: long wait time.
What your family will be looking for in an adoption agency will be as unique as your own personality and your family culture. But figuring out what you value most can help find an agency that lines up with your own principles.
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