I feel like the past few years have been filled with one lesson after the other in letting go.
And just when I thought I had it down, resting in trust, assured of His grip on me, something else would happen. Job change, wet basement, financial crisis, new church, adoption stress. And with each loss, another layer peeled off, more expectations laid bare.
But even with all the uncertainty, stress, and pain of the past few years, NOTHING prepared me for the agony of the two months with Tedy in foster care.
I can share that now. I know the ending of the story. He is ours. Forever. He is my sweet son and he has our name.
But that's not the only evidence of God's grace.
You see, in the midst of searing heartache, I learned that God's strength, provision, and above all else, peace can be so tangible. I could rest in God's love for us and his guidance on our lives. God was good...Even if he would not have come home to us.
Of course, tears spring to my eyes even writing that sentence. Even thinking that my sweet boy would never have entered our doorway makes my throat grip tighter. But walking in that fine balance was our reality for eight weeks. We knew that we were only being considered to be his parents. But making that decision, to place your child in another family, is hard. And since it was going to be forever, we wanted his first parents to be sure. We knew it had to be right and good. Sometimes hard things take time. And hard decisions need space to sure up. So we waited.
We got up before dawn to visit him in the hospital before work.
We spent every Sunday afternoon holding him and rocking him.
I went down every Tuesday and Thursday morning before work taking pictures and small crocheted hats.
And then. Each. Time. Had to hand him back to his loving foster parents. Get in the car. And drive home.
Now we have the benefit of a conclusion. But for two months we walked between two worlds. In one world we were parents of this true bundle of joy. One we would have to let him go. And to know that kind of stress, to feel so much tearing of your heart. And to be able to say that we walked in Peace? That is not any doing of our own. That is a clarion call of the Holy Spirit at work in our hearts.
And now that he is home. In our arms. Where I know the blue of his eyes, the curve of his lips, the fuzz of his head, like we've been together all along. I sometimes feel my fingers slowly curl. Holding tight to MY baby, MY Tedy. And with each tightening clasp, fear can creep in. What if something happens to him? What if I'm not the kind of mother he needs? What if tragedy strikes again? And with each question a stronger grip.
So I need to remember what I learned over those two agonizing months. That letting go brings freedom. Peace can only come with true trust. Trusting that the God who brought this sweet little life into the world and into our arms will be with us. He had a plan for Tedy as we walked through these past two months.
And we never walked alone.
And just when I thought I had it down, resting in trust, assured of His grip on me, something else would happen. Job change, wet basement, financial crisis, new church, adoption stress. And with each loss, another layer peeled off, more expectations laid bare.
But even with all the uncertainty, stress, and pain of the past few years, NOTHING prepared me for the agony of the two months with Tedy in foster care.
I can share that now. I know the ending of the story. He is ours. Forever. He is my sweet son and he has our name.
But that's not the only evidence of God's grace.
You see, in the midst of searing heartache, I learned that God's strength, provision, and above all else, peace can be so tangible. I could rest in God's love for us and his guidance on our lives. God was good...Even if he would not have come home to us.
Of course, tears spring to my eyes even writing that sentence. Even thinking that my sweet boy would never have entered our doorway makes my throat grip tighter. But walking in that fine balance was our reality for eight weeks. We knew that we were only being considered to be his parents. But making that decision, to place your child in another family, is hard. And since it was going to be forever, we wanted his first parents to be sure. We knew it had to be right and good. Sometimes hard things take time. And hard decisions need space to sure up. So we waited.
We got up before dawn to visit him in the hospital before work.
We spent every Sunday afternoon holding him and rocking him.
I went down every Tuesday and Thursday morning before work taking pictures and small crocheted hats.
And then. Each. Time. Had to hand him back to his loving foster parents. Get in the car. And drive home.
Now we have the benefit of a conclusion. But for two months we walked between two worlds. In one world we were parents of this true bundle of joy. One we would have to let him go. And to know that kind of stress, to feel so much tearing of your heart. And to be able to say that we walked in Peace? That is not any doing of our own. That is a clarion call of the Holy Spirit at work in our hearts.
And now that he is home. In our arms. Where I know the blue of his eyes, the curve of his lips, the fuzz of his head, like we've been together all along. I sometimes feel my fingers slowly curl. Holding tight to MY baby, MY Tedy. And with each tightening clasp, fear can creep in. What if something happens to him? What if I'm not the kind of mother he needs? What if tragedy strikes again? And with each question a stronger grip.
So I need to remember what I learned over those two agonizing months. That letting go brings freedom. Peace can only come with true trust. Trusting that the God who brought this sweet little life into the world and into our arms will be with us. He had a plan for Tedy as we walked through these past two months.
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