This year we did not include a letter with our Christmas Cards...you might have noticed.
no picture either.
The lack of picture had a very tangible reason...we had no camera and no pictures of the past year. The lack of a letter had a little more sensitive explanation.
Oh, we talked about writing one, the husband and I. Putting into words what we have been through over this past year. We knew we would have to make some decisions to make. How do you approach, package, and present a year of loss to a group of people on various levels of intimacy? Do we sugar-coat the pain and end on an upswing of superficiality? Do we explain our rawness, possible eliciting pity or weird feelings?
We just didn't want to make those decisions, so our little hand-made greetings went out naked.
And I'll admit...as we ripped open envelopes and read your family letters, there may have been some snarky comments...
maybe.
"Oh, your job's fulfulling, your family is healthy, your having a new baby, and you just built a brand new home....GREAT! HOW NICE FOR YOU!!"
And I really don't think that is healthy for anyone. Because one day the "snarky" will come out face to face...
and then things will get really weird. But the truth is, when I've tried to be honest with some people...I'm just not received really well. Even when I say with a sigh, "I'm okay." I get the impression that it is not okay to just be "OKAY." Perhaps a little too much vulnerability...so I shrink back, share less, skip the Christmas letter.
Psalm 51:6 tells me "but you desire honesty from the heart."
So I'm trying to do that...be honest. Honesty with myself, honest with God, honest with others.
And honestly..I'm JUST okay. Things aren't great but they could be worse. And I'll trust that God is good. If you want to know more, just ask. And I'll try to be honest.
And most importantly, I'll try to be honest with God. And even that can be a huge risk. To walk the line between complaining and lamenting. To share, to trust, to know that God is able.
To risk the silent answer it seems I've been getting here recently.
And as I've been wrestling with this honesty answer I read in Daniel about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendnego. Their answer of "...the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us...But even if he doesn't...we will never serve your gods." (emphasis mine)
SO (deep breath) even if things don't get better,
if I continue to live in pain,
I will still hold on to the goodness of God
trusting, daring to be honest, coming out from the comfortable places.
And maybe NEXT year, there will be Christmas Letters.
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